After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
