I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
