P.S. I can't hear my feet
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
