Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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