if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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