I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
