Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
operation have a gay friend backfired
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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