they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
