My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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