How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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