I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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