The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
