Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
