So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
