You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
