dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
