i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
