Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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