dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
