I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
