it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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