If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
