Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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