the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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