I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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