My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
They left me at home... I'm a liability
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
