I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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