There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
