I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize