consequently i now know what mace tastes like
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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