eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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