i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
