i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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