What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
