how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
