What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
