How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
