you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
