remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
