Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
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