In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
