Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
