You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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