I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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