I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
This is the high leading the old right now
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
