I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
