Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
