A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
