My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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