Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
