Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
