he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
