Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
