Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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