me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
We don't watch enough power rangers
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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