***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
