you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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