guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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