I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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